Messenger
Popular Excuses Against Having More Children
Posted on 6/17/2006 at 4:28:33 PM
The false ideas we believe when deciding not to have (more) children.
“We cannot afford to have children at the moment”
In this world in which meeting the cost of clothing and food for just a couple of adults seems too much, we may wonder how we could ever spare the money to feed another mouth. This may lead us to believe that it would be more responsible to wait until we have a higher income with which to pay for the many needs a child will have. Perhaps we already have children who are part of our little family, who seem to lack many of the things we would like to be able to buy them, and we worry that a new baby would leave us less able to meet their needs or wants.
Without God being part of this picture, it might indeed be impossible for us to afford to bring another child into the world. But he has promised to provide for all the children He creates. When it comes to expanding our family, we will be blessed for keeping his commandment to “multiply” and he will increase our blessings accordingly to meet our real needs.
Jesus taught his disciples that they need not worry about “What shall we eat?” or “what shall we drink?” or “what shall we wear?” because our “heavenly Father knows that you need them.” But if we “see first His kingdom and his righteousness” then “all these things will be given to [us] as well.” (Matthew 6:25-33)
Despite this some seem to struggle more than they need to because of their misplaced priorities, putting their wants before their needs. It is amazing how many people somehow find the money for the things they want the most, such as a big truck, sleek car, giant TV, exotic holiday, or lavish gifts, yet complain about the problems they have meeting their basic financial requirements.
If our intent and actions are right before God though He will not leave us unable to meet the needs of our children, as David said in his old age, “now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread.” (Psalm 37:25) Our ability to afford more children is really a question of our faith in His promises and providence.
“I can’t cope emotionally with more children at the moment”
The more children, the more it seems there is to worry about, the more mess to clean, the more challenges to deal with, and the less time to ourselves. We may wonder if we could ever find enough time, or whether we would have any sanity left if we had another child.
Could it be though that it is not really the number of the kids that is the problem, and that limiting how many we have isn’t really a solution. That may seem a very radical idea, if not a ridiculous one. It seems a logical equation that if we take on too much work, we have less time, and that if our job is stressful, spending longer doing it will probably lead us to a mental breakdown. There is one important difference though between what our boss asks us to do, or overtime we chose to take on to earn extra money, and that is – having children is something that God is asking us to do, not the government or our employer, but our creator.
He has struck a bargain with us: Life will throw us some curve-balls, will surprise us, and try us, but God wont ask of us more than we can cope with. Perhaps if we try to cope without Him we might find ourselves sinking, but He us offered us a helping hand so that nothing that He asks us to do is too steep, too far or too heavy a task for us to accomplish with His help. As the Apostle Paul puts it:
“There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” (1 Corinthians 10:12-14)
God gives us trials (or allows us to go through them) because without them we cannot progress, we will not grow, and will not overcome our weaknesses and faults. He also uses them to encourage us to turn to Him, rather than only rely on our weaker selves. Trials can also keep us humble, and help us to understand others weaknesses and to be considerate of them. Paul again knew and experienced this firsthand:
“… there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:6-10)
We cannot reach the level of perfection God expects for us without going through the trials God has designed for us to learn and grow from. Yet He does not ask us to do anything worse than His only begotten Son went through for us. As the writer of Hebrews wrote, “Jesus, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” (Hebrews 12:2b-3) As God Himself has reminded us in our day, “the Son of man hath descended below all things, art thou greater than He?” (D&C 122:8)
God asks nothing of us we are not capable of (with His assistance). Whatever trials, suffering and even anguish we go through cannot compare to that of our Savior, nor can it fail to improve and exalt us if we humbly submit to, learn and grow from it. Trials should not prevent us from doing right – they are often a test to see if we will do right even if it is not easy. So what should our attitude be? “I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments [including “multiplying and replenishing the earth”] unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.” (1 Nephi 3:7)
“It is so painful, unhealthy etc.”
How often have we heard it said “I’m not going through that again” or something similar. It may seem easy for men to say that the pain was worth it, and it may seem that some women find it easy to forget how painful childbirth was, or maybe we think they must have had it easier than us.
No suffering is wasted or goes without reward. The pain – as severe as it may be – is to be endured for the joy of giving birth. Jesus once said, “A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets her anguish because of her joy that a child is come into the world.” (John 16:21) This is a real test of a woman’s attitude towards suffering. Can she endure the suffering of childbirth for the joy of giving her baby life? Didn’t Christ suffer infinitely more so that we could have life? Yes, it is hard to convey to a man the pain involved in childbirth, but that pain has been overcome by women since the days of Eve. Instead of focusing on the pain, the woman should be a willing vessel – as Mary was when she was chosen to give birth to Jesus. Mary said, “I am the Lord’s handmaiden. May it be to me as you have said.” (Luke 1:38) What would we think of Mary today had she said, “But God, I can’t do that because it will hurt too much!”
“My wife/husband doesn’t want another one”
The first question we need to ask ourselves if we do not wish to have more children is “is it God’s will or mine?” However, God has given us the ability to chose, and asks us to respect the choices of others. This does not mean, however, that He will approve of the choices we make. If we chose to disobey God we do not qualify for the promises he has in store for those who do obey
Perhaps a man might counsel his wife to take a reasonable break due to health reasons (perhaps 9-18 months) to ensure her body recovers – especially after a difficult birth which requires the body to heal. Regularly nursing a child usually acts as a natural contraceptive to achieve this.
This does not justify artificial birth control however, but requires self control on the part of the man and woman, or a good understanding of fertility cycles. If a woman wants more children and the husband doesn’t he cannot righteously ask her to take contraception. She is first submissive to God – if he doesn’t want the children he will have to exercise self control.
We must remember that pregnancy is a natural result of the intimacy through which love is shared, that children are a blessing, and that by brining them into the world we are accomplish the purposes of God, and can gain greater happiness through that than avoiding that responsibility and opportunity.
“Give me children, or I die!”
(Rachel to Jacob, Genesis 30:1)